Nothing

Almost midnight, and I was alone, sitting inside my car, parking under the yellow sparkling streetlight across a quiet Metro station. I was listening to 97.1 FM; soft rock music was playing, fills up the entire car, nice and comforts me. I enjoyed the voice of Jeff Bailey of REO Speedwagon and the cold breeze from the AC, feel nothing but empty. Just like an empty road before me. Physically, I was inside my car but without my minds that were probably somewhere wondering around, far and might be far enough from me.

I closed my eyes and saw the footage of the story played in front of me, so clear, so understandable, but cannot be explained. Yeah, the day has been a long day for me, after back from kind of contemplation journey, four days back; and after several months of fighting to myself for my life and future.

I was exhausted, physically and mentally, so tired, but did not possible to express anything. It will be useless and consume too much energy to express my tiredness and confusion, better digest it quietly and smoothly. In fact, life is just a collection of episode of somebody’s story, including myself. I do not want to be bothered by one or two episodes, just take it easy, as simple as possible, and take a role of the next episode, move forward.

I opened my eyes, disturbed by the sound of crossing train next to the metro railway. The music was still playing softly, now Dido is singing; I just sat and watched the train passed, and then watched over several cars parked around me, astonished, I was the only one a while ago, and just realized I surrounded by many already. Where was I? Why never notice about their coming?

Silly, I sigh but feel nothing, still. The music got into the chorus and bridge, turned into very soft and the radio announcer, her name is Delilah, asked softly “Hey listeners, what do you feel right now? Is your day too hard and too long? So you feel completely tired until cannot express your feeling anymore?” Delilah’s voice was so soft but arousing my feeling, a weak smile came upon my face, as my hesitate reaction to Delilah’s question.

Yeah unfortunately, she just pointed out what I feel inside; I am completely tired and cannot express my feeling anymore. Every burden along years back just piled up in my chest and I cannot do anything but accept it, swallow it quietly, one by one. No tears, no complaints, no special actions, no drama queen, nothing, just believe to myself to overcome, when the time is coming.

Time passed, the metro arrived and everything then runs too fast and too usual so that not necessarily be explained in detail. I finally found myself already drove my car home, along the empty, quiet, and dark roads surrounded by trees. The music still accompanies me, now with the voice of John Rziznik. The clustered sparkling yellow streetlight along the road, come one to another, were waving me a direction to home. I still feel nothing, just empty, but encouraged by the spirit of soft rock music and sparkling yellow light. My body just acted as it supposed to be as an experienced driver. Just like my natural acts to handle my life for the last couple years.

The car swiftly turned from one empty road to another, crossed one busy road without any problem, passed two stopped police cars along the road. Lastly, I turned into an empty road that passed my apartment; after some maneuvers I parked my black Honda in the middle of wide open parking lot, turned off the music, and Alanis Morissette cannot finish her song, turned off the car's engine, then walked out, crossed the empty road toward my building. Still feel nothing, but empty. A day just almost passed, replaced by another day. I stopped for few minutes, catch a glimpse of vague flashback footage, but then realized why should I freeze in front of my building at midnight?

I opened my building doors and walked up into my apartment, into my huge and cold bedroom. A candle was lighting up in my dark bedroom, gave nothing but very weak light, just like my feeling for healing myself. I said to myself, “Enough for today, I am fine (and will always be), only feel nothing but empty”.

Good night, good bye